Here I am, back in the blues. For the past week, I’ve been in a bit of a downward spiral. It’s frustrating because I had been feeling much better. Being depressed is so…depressing.
Going to a four year old’s birthday party at a jump castle venue yesterday didn’t help. I talked myself into going because I miss my friends. I should have known that a big, loud, chaotic crowd wasn’t the best way to ease back into a social life (even at my best, crowds aren’t my thing). I felt as awkward and anxious as I did in high school around the “in” clique. Not fun! But Cole had a great time, so I’m somewhat glad I sucked it up and went.
I can’t help feeling that if I sucked it up more, I would be able to pull myself out of this. If I followed the standard advice--went on long walks, meditated, took bubble baths, and practiced yoga--I would feel better. All I want to do, however, is burn the pile of magazines with their perky 10-Steps-to-Happiness articles.
In my head, I know I can't make myself better--getting the medication right is the main thing. So we’ve added another medicine to the mix and will start to reduce the amount of another. According to my doctor, we’ll know it’s working when I no longer have unreasonable anxiety and sadness. Instead, emotions will be appropriate to the situation. Really?! I can hardly imagine. What will I do with all that extra emotional energy?! Maybe I’ll actually be able to take those bubble baths, go for walks on the beach, meditate, and do yoga!
Unfortunately, it will take another month to know if the new drug is working. I wonder how many more months will be taken by this trial-and-error process. It’s hard not to have guarantees like there are with antibiotics for infections and casts for broken bones. I am grateful, however, that these drugs exist. In the recent past, they weren’t available. I can't imagine life without them.
I recently watched a show on PBS about depression. It focused a lot on the strides scientists are making on treatments. I learned that the reason drugs take so long to work is that they actually create new brain cells in the frontal lobe. It’s comforting to know my brain chemistry is changing because what it is now isn’t working. In the future, scientists will know even more about depression and discover better ways of dealing with it—something to remain hopeful for!
1 comment:
Hi, Heather - it's Cat (although I can't make a google e-mail address as that would be like going to the darkside :-) Just leaving you a comment - I can relate just a touch and remember my mom gave me some good advice a while back - people that are diabetic for the most part just figure out the regime and then take a drug every day to fix the chemical balance. I had such an aversion to taking drugs for a while, this helped me realize that once we found the right fix, it would just be something that I'd have to take for long time. I don't know if that would help you, but it helped me :-)
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