Back in the Blues

Here I am, back in the blues. For the past week, I’ve been in a bit of a downward spiral. It’s frustrating because I had been feeling much better. Being depressed is so…depressing.

Going to a four year old’s birthday party at a jump castle venue yesterday didn’t help. I talked myself into going because I miss my friends. I should have known that a big, loud, chaotic crowd wasn’t the best way to ease back into a social life (even at my best, crowds aren’t my thing). I felt as awkward and anxious as I did in high school around the “in” clique. Not fun! But Cole had a great time, so I’m somewhat glad I sucked it up and went.

I can’t help feeling that if I sucked it up more, I would be able to pull myself out of this. If I followed the standard advice--went on long walks, meditated, took bubble baths, and practiced yoga--I would feel better. All I want to do, however, is burn the pile of magazines with their perky 10-Steps-to-Happiness articles.

In my head, I know I can't make myself better--getting the medication right is the main thing. So we’ve added another medicine to the mix and will start to reduce the amount of another. According to my doctor, we’ll know it’s working when I no longer have unreasonable anxiety and sadness. Instead, emotions will be appropriate to the situation. Really?! I can hardly imagine. What will I do with all that extra emotional energy?! Maybe I’ll actually be able to take those bubble baths, go for walks on the beach, meditate, and do yoga!

Unfortunately, it will take another month to know if the new drug is working. I wonder how many more months will be taken by this trial-and-error process. It’s hard not to have guarantees like there are with antibiotics for infections and casts for broken bones. I am grateful, however, that these drugs exist. In the recent past, they weren’t available. I can't imagine life without them.

I recently watched a show on PBS about depression. It focused a lot on the strides scientists are making on treatments. I learned that the reason drugs take so long to work is that they actually create new brain cells in the frontal lobe. It’s comforting to know my brain chemistry is changing because what it is now isn’t working. In the future, scientists will know even more about depression and discover better ways of dealing with it—something to remain hopeful for!

Jumping Jay

Jay loves to jump! When he wants to jump really high, he grabs his crotch to help him get air. At first we thought he needed a diaper change. It took a few times for us to catch on to his unique form. The ideas toddlers have are amazing and often hilarious. I love this age.

To All the "Nonworking" Moms

The babysitter we hired to help this summer has cried uncle!

She said she was exhausted by the long hours and the constant chaos of two small boys. This is a 21-year-old college student who I am sure (if I remember correctly) can pull all-nighters and remember what she read the next day, drink more than one beer and not feel hung over for a week, and stay up later than 9:00 pm and still be cheerful the next day.

HA! Try doing it when you're more than a decade and a half older without evenings and weekends free!

(She is now spliting the time with a friend of hers.)

A Big Thank You! (And a big sigh of relief!)

I am feeling much, much better—-almost “normal” in fact. I’m finally at the full doses of the medication, which I believe has made a huge difference. I don’t feel drugged; I just feel like myself again, which is very good feeling. I’m trying to be more aware of how I am doing, so I don’t get blindsided again, as well as trying to get on a regular schedule with sleep, meals, and exercise.

I’ve been overwhelmed by people’s responses to my depression. I’m so grateful to my parents (both sets of them) for driving or flying great distances to be here for us. I believe it would have taken much longer to recover without their support. They took over the household business and allowed me to rest and play with the boys when I felt up to it. And now, they have provided a sitter for the summer, which is absolutely the best thing anyone has ever done for me!

My friends also have been amazing in the care they have shown me—bringing suppers over, dropping by to say “hello,” calling often to see how I’m doing, and making plans for me to get out of the house. It’s hard to ask for help when feeling so bad, but they made it easy by just doing it. I can never thank them enough. I’m so grateful to have such wonderful friends.

Family and friends who live in other places have also been very supportive—from writing and calling to sending flowers. Despite great distances and not as much communication as we would like, I know we will always remain close and be there for each other.

I’m sure I’ll write more about this experience, but I’ll also get back to more cheerful things, like the boys who are as cute and wonderful as ever.